It has been a long time since I have posted anything on the blog. I love that people are still reading it and visiting the different posts even though it has been forever since I have posted. I started and stopped writing many different posts. None of them ever really felt right and when I started writing these I did them for me and no one else. I wanted what I posted to be authentic to me. I went home today because my brother is getting engages tomorrow (squeals)!! Which is super exciting. I’m watching TV with my dad and all of a sudden one of the characters is talking about bluffing. Now if you don’t know what bluffing is, it is where you lie about how good or bad your hand of cards is to win money. You can pretend like your cards are way better than they are to get people to fold or pretend you don’t have good cards and trick them into betting all of their money and then you surprise them and win. This little boy said “you looked really unhappy with your cards” and his grandmother said, “sometimes what’s on people’s face isn’t always what’s in their hearts”. He replied with “then how do you know who to trust” and she said, “you don’t, that’s what makes life interesting”. Let me tell you that threw me for a loop and was one of the most profound interactions that I have ever heard because it is so true. People lie and some people who look like they would never and could never hurt you are the ones who do the most damage. And the ones who look like you should never open up to are the ones who love you and protect you better than anyone else you will ever interact with. Here’s the thing, I don’t trust people. Like it’s bad I really don’t trust people around me and I am not a fan of most people. I tend to assume the worst of many people. I have a hard time figuring out who to trust and with how much of myself I should trust them. I am very guarded and sometimes that has worked and protected me, but other times it has gotten in the way of letting some really incredible people truly know me. It has taken me a long time to finally get this trust thing even just a little bit figured out. I have learned that there is one person that I can always trust and who will always be there for me, that is God in Psalm 56:3 it says “When I am afraid, I put my trust in you”. I didn’t trust God for a really long time. I let him have certain parts of myself but not everything because I had been surrounded by people who’s faces said one thing and their hearts said something very different. I said okay God I am going to trust you with these parts of me that are okay and not too broken and are pretty. But these scary and dark and twisty parts, those I am going to keep over here with me where you can’t touch them and they cant’ touch you. I acted like I was doing something noble in keeping those things out of His grasp when in reality I was just hurting myself. By not leaning on the Lord and letting him know me and putting my trust in Him, I was turning to things of this world that would fail me constantly. Then I would get frustrated with God that he would let those things fail me and not protect me. But I hadn’t let me protect myself from that hurt by putting my trust in Him. The things that I had put my well being in and entrusted to make me feel safe were not things that would sustain me and they were things that changed and offered little to no stability. However, in James 1 verse 17 it says “For every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of heavenly lights, who doesn’t change like shifting shadows”. I was living life and expecting God to bless me and give me gifts but I wasn’t looking to God to provide them to me, I was looking to things of the world. I was looking for stability and comfort there when it says in James that God is what doesn’t change. I was so scared to trust Him because I had grown so comfortable in my chains were made of my guilt, shame, and sins. I had grown comfortable in feeling like I wasn’t enough and trying to prove that wrong and be perfect. God doesn’t call me to be perfect, he calls me to be me and let Him love me when I am at my worst and let Him love the parts of me that are dark and twisty. That scares me so much. I convince myself that I am too much for him to handle, but the truth is that nothing is too much for him and no one is every too much because even if it was just me on Earth Jesus still would have died for me. How crazy is that?! Even if it was just you out there Jesus still would have died to save you and give you the chance to have life eternal. Now you might be asking yourself, how does this connect with trusting others? If you have Jesus in your heart, it is easier to trust others because you know that you are loved far beyond what you can possibly imagine and it is okay if one person breaks your trust because you have someone who will never fail you, Jesus. I have found it easier to trust people now because I don’t expect them to be my everything and help to fill the voids that I used to let them fill because I am turning to Jesus instead. Proverbs 3:5-6 says “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; all your ways submit to him, and he will make your path straight”. If you trust in the Lord everything will work out, but if and only if you submit to the plan that He has for you. Most of the time that isn’t going to look like the plan that you have for yourself. I never planned to be where I am now surrounded by the people that I am surrounded but, but I wouldn’t change any of it for anything. Trust in the Lord and make him your cornerstone and everything else will fade the the background.
A Regular Girl