I was watching TV the other day and one of the characters got her dreams crushed. Her parents tried to make her feel better and she responded with “you said that if I did everything that I was supposed to do and played by the rules everything would work out. The world doesn’t work the way you said it does so what the hell am I supposed to do”. The first time I heard that line and watched the exchange I cried. Now I don’t cry often and most of the time when I feel like crying I don’t cry. But watching that made me cry because it was something that I had felt for so long but didn’t know how to voice it. So many small and big dreams or hopes or just things that I have wanted haven’t gone the way that I planned. I like to think that I am strong and unbreakable but I am not. When my heart gets broken and dreams I have don’t come true I feel broken and confused. It took me a long time and a lot of different losses for me to really understand what she said. I played by the rules and did everything that I was supposed to do. I played my part and tried to do everything perfectly and live up to the expectations that everyone else had for me. But when the time came for me to step up and take that next step that I was expected to take, my life fell apart. Things that I had taken as guarantees and things that I had earned not only because of who I am but what I had accomplished, they were snatched away from me in the blink of an eye. People say that when it rains it pours. Well let me tell you, they are 100% right. My plans change and shifted so fast that it made my head spin. I was left reeling and trying to pick up the pieces and make a new plan with the little pieces that I had left. I had decisions to make and things to do, but I didn’t know what to do because the plan that I had for myself and my future had fallen apart. Everything that I had counted on was taken from me and I was left standing and trying to figure out what was my next move. Of course, that was also the moment when people decided that I needed to make my own decisions and gave me advice that I either didn’t want to hear or gave me advice that was just not helpful, in my eyes. I tried so hard for so long to be perfect and act perfectly so that I would have a perfect life. I thought that if I did was I was supposed to do if I kept the peace if I was able to do what everyone was asking me then everything would be perfect. But that’s not how life works. We have ups and downs in our life to teach us and show us to cherish the different seasons in our lives even the hard seasons. There is a sweetness in the struggle but you have to be willing to find it and see it because it is so much easier to turn on everyone else and blame others instead of trying to find a solution. I played by the rules and did everything that was expected of me and still, my life fell apart. It took me a long time after getting my heart broken in ways that I couldn’t even imagine it getting broken for me to realize that God didn’t bring me as far as he has to leave me or forsake me Things might be hard right now for me to handle, but God will still make a way. When faced with a tough situation and a situation in which your plan did not have you prepared to go don’t chose a familiar misery over a foreign happiness. By that, I mean that it can be so easy to sit in the uncertainty and stay there over trying to go out on your own making those tough decisions. It’s something that I still struggle with, I will know the decision that I need to make and over think and over analyze it and almost talk myself out of it because it is something that takes me out of my comfort zone. Just because something is out of your comfort zone doesn’t mean that it isn’t worth pursuing. There is a verse that is said so many times it can often lose its meaning because it is said so often, “For, I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11). This verse is said to comfort others as they are struggling to find their path and figure out the plan that is laid before them. This verse always gave me more anxiety than it did comfort because it made me antsy and want to know the plan and what I am walking into before I get there. I want to have a plan of attack ready so that when I am faced with a tough situation and I have a hard fight on my hands I know what to do and how to handle it. There is a verse that I like better and it makes more sense to me, “plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers, they succeed” (Proverbs 15:22). Now, this doesn’t mean go poll random people that you find on the street, this verse is saying to go to people you trust. Advisers aren’t random people but people that you trust, people who know you and your heart they are people who have your best interest at heart. These are the people to seek out and you can find them by looking towards God. These are the friends and people in your life who encourage you in your walk, comfort you with words of affirmation when feel broken, but most importantly they are the people who show you God in all that they do. When I was struggling and lost in my plan I didn’t seek out those people and I didn’t seek counsel because I was scared. I felt like I needed to have all the answers and have my plan figured out so that I could have the answer to any question that I got answered. Well, it took me a long time to figure out but I’m never going to have all the answers to the questions that I get asked. It doesn’t scare me as much as it used to, I still like to have the answers but I know now that I will have the answers when I need to have them. I only know part of the plan and that is okay because if I knew everything that was to come and that I was supposed to do, I probably wouldn’t do it the way I needed to because I would think I could do it better or that I know more. I would take short cuts to avoid heartbreak and get to the joys but we can’t fully enjoy the joys until we’ve survived the pains of life. Our plans never turn out the way we think or hope they will but God’s plan for us will turn out exactly how it is supposed to and that is the only answer I need.
A Regular Girl