Fear and Desire

What are you supposed to do when that one thing that scares you like no other and has the capability to destroy you is the thing you want most in the world? Well if you are me you are screwed. Sometimes the thing that makes us most scared is the thing that we desire most, which is crazy. Logically it makes sense to run from things that scare us and run to things that we want and are here to comfort us. However, if you are in the same lucky boat that I am in your mind plays some fun tricks on you. Instead of separating the two things they are joined together, they are so intertwined that there is no way to get one without the other. Every heard the expression “all’s fair in love and war”? I am beginning to think that they had it right. Is it possible that we can be so scared of something because we know that it has the potential to break us in ways that we don’t think we could survive? If you are like me that is 100% true! That one person who I try to keep out of my mind at all times is also that one person who I want to talk to at all times. They are the person who I want to call when I see something funny or I am having a bad day. At the same time, he scares me like no one else because I know that he has to potential to crush my heart like no one before him. He has the ability to take a sledgehammer to the walls that I have spent years carefully building to keep me from getting hurt and to keep others out. It scares me how much I have let him in without me knowing, but at the same time, I love how much I have let him in. I’m scared about how often I think about him and how I can’t seem to go a few minutes without seeing something, hearing something or smelling something that reminds me of him. But at the same time, it comforts me and let me know that even though he is far away he is still close to me. He does things that usually wouldn’t make me crazy or smile like an idiot, but when he does it I feel different. He has the ability to change my mood and how I look at something with a simple sentence, he can ground me and make me look at something in a way I never expected. This guy is in my heart and in my head and it is freaking me out! It is making me more scared than I have ever been. And trust me when I say that I have been in plenty of situations that would scare most people half to death, but those are stories for a later time. Why is it that I am so scared of his boy and the effect he has on me? Simple, it reminds me how fragile I am. I have spent a long time convincing myself that I am strong and that no one will see my heart for all that it is. My heart is something that very few people truly see and I protect it more than most and maybe even more than I should. But he managed to get into my heart undetected and even worse I welcomed him into my heart and it wasn’t until he firmly planted in there that I realized how much of my heart he truly has. Now, this isn’t only true about this guy, but this is a theme in my life. I would love nothing more than to have kids one day but honestly, I’m scared. I am so scared that I won’t be able to protect them or love them the way they need me to or that I will disappoint them. The fear I have about it is almost enough to scare me off of wanting to ever have kids. The biggest thing that I have learned about fear is that if you let it control and run your life then you will never do anything and achieve your dreams. If you let fear control your life then you will live an unremarkable life. You won’t get to feel the highs and lows that come with life. Yeah, it is scary to put yourself out there and lead with your heart because there is such a potential to get hurt. But sometimes you have to take a deep breathe push the fear aside and jump. Jump into the unknown and embrace the fear and know that it is just a natural part of life. Life is going to throw you for a loop and you can have your biggest dreams and desires come true. But at the same time, they can blow up in your face. If you never experience the pain of not getting what you want more than anything, than the highs of getting everything you ever dreamed possible is not nearly as sweet. Sometimes you have to jump with no abandon and not look for the safety net and trust that no matter what happens you will be able to dust yourself off and move on. The thing about fear and desire is that there is never just one fear or desire. We are faced with new ones every single day and they open our eyes to the world around us. If you let fear control your life then you will never see the beauty that there is in chasing what you want and not caring what happens. There is freedom in that which you can’t find in any other place. Fear has been engrained into our brains because it kept us safe, for example, why don’t you approach a wild bear and try to befriend it because your brain says RUN YOU IDIOT THIS BEAR CAN KILL YOU. The difference between this kind of fear and the fear that I am talking about is that my kind of fear is more about looking for a safety net and wanting to avoid heartbreak not trying to avoid being eaten by a wild bear. So if faced with a bear feel free to get away and don’t ignore your fear. However, if fear is stopping you from going after something that you really want then you should ignore your fear and go for it! Fear can keep you from getting to experience some of the sweetest things that life has to offer.


A Regular Girl

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