Not all scars are visible to everyone. Sometimes the worst scars that you carry and the ones that affect you most are the ones that are on the inside. There are many different types of scars and they are all significant. There are scars that you get from doing something stupid, scars that you look back on and smile remembering how you got them. Those are my favorite scars; I have a scar on my leg like that. I was running to catch a bus and thought that I was super cool and when I went to get on the bus I tripped. Not the best story about a scar but remembering the day and the fun I had makes that scar special. There are scars that you have that remind you of a hard time and what you have gone through to get where you are. Some people see those scars and make judgments or feel guilt about it or are upset where they used to be. I don’t. For me, those are battle scars. Those are scars that show what you have gone through. They show strength, they show that you can take a punch in the gut and get up to keep fighting. I am reminded of these scars every day. The scars that affect me the most are the scars that only I see, the scars that are on my heart and don’t fade over time. These scars aren’t made by a bus step, these scars are made by words and actions that hurt so much it feels like they stole a part of you. These scars come from the people who at one point where the people that you loved and trusted above all else, maybe you still do. I have made that mistake too many times before and heck I am still making that mistake. The worst thing about those scars is that every time you make that same mistake it reopens like a fresh cut and you are reminded of the pain. These scars affect every part of my life. There is nothing in my life that has been untouched because of how these scars made me feel. Every decision I make is related to a scar, everything I do is to make sure that I don’t get hurt. I put up walls, I keep people out and I do my best to protect myself and my heart so that I don’t get any more scars. Every time I get a new scar I try and build up my wall six times higher and three times thicker. However, things don’t every really go exactly how I plan it. I see someone trying to get past a wall and I focus all my attention on that one person. I don’t see the other person that I have given access to my heart. By the time I realize what has happened they are close enough to cause another scar. I just watch in horror as they take out a knife and give me another scar and leave me sitting there wrecked and confused as I try and recover and rebuild from my latest scar. Not everyone I have given access to my heart has given me scars. I have some pretty amazing people in my life who I love more than they can ever understand and they have shown me time and again that they would rather take a scar then give me one. My past scars still affect those relationships. There are so many times when I have one foot in a relationship and one out because I am so scared to get hurt and I need to be the one to leave unharmed. The deepest scars that I have and the ones that are hardest to recover from are the ones that I have from people who I willingly gave access to my heart and not people who snuck in. When someone who you have given your heart to takes things that you have told them and twists your vulnerability into a weapon that is used against you, it takes the legs out from under you. This has happened more times than I am willing to admit and it makes me hesitant to give anyone information that makes me too vulnerable is give them too much access to me. My scars have made me so scared to show anyone my heart because I am so afraid that they will see my scars and how truly scared and weak I can be and they will go running in the opposite direction. I take pride in the fact that I am strong and I can handle myself. There are many times when I have used my scars to keep people at bay, I use them as a way to keep myself from getting too attached to anyone. It has taken me a long time to see that my scars are beautiful. Working at camp this past summer and through talking to some of my incredible friends I realized the power my scars hold. They are no longer my undoing and signs of how vulnerable I can be, they are a source of strength. My scars don’t show that at one point I was weak and let this happen, my scars show that I love others and I love them hard. My scars show that I take risks and that I will give you my trust. My scars show that I am strong because I have been hurt but I’m not going to let that be a reason to keep others out. I have spent so long hiding my heart in an effort to protect it and myself, but I’ve only been hurting myself. My scars show that I am strong, that I survived a hell of a lot. They show that I am a fighter and I don’t intend to stop fighting anytime soon. My scars make me fight harder for those around me because I never want them to doubt that I will fight with them and for them no matter what. I used to think my scars would be my undoing, now I know that my scars are my secret weapon and I intend to use them.
A Regular Girl